| Its a little shoppy but I feel I should give you exactly what I wrote before passing back out, unedited. This is from my IPod, sorry of it's all squished together. "I know I've been bothering you quite a bit lately but I just wanted to make the effort before I lost sight of it. Had a dream, more of a detailed memory. I had forgotten, and trapped myself in my own head.I wish I hadn't told you how low I stooped. It was less about you and more so me trying to run because I was confused and faced with a new set of emotions to find a place for. Weve put eachother on pedestals for so long that the harsh realities of our imperfections seemed offensive and threatening. I'm sure given the chance there would be more disappointment but, that's the beauty inthe way we work, we get to hide those things but tell all. I wish I didn't let my feelings hurt because I created something in my head. I told you, you decided to do this in a weird time in my life. But something had to happen to get me out of the way. I just wanna erase it and move on. I stand by my feelings about her and my opinions on the nature of the type of person she is but I am indifferent towards your relationship as long as you are happy and as long as for a few moments throughout my life I get to share it with you. I go blind for awhile and then snap out of it." The day you left was rough, the next day was even harder. Every fiber of my being was vibrating and screaming at me. I ran, I needed to get to you, just be near you. Just have someone there that understood and could take away the unbearable pain in my chest and throat. Sunday I worked, Malinda pointed out the bruises. Two sets of three finger pressure bruises on each arm and one larger one closer to the wrist on my right. When I got home and Brad and I were getting ready to head to my parents. The bruises made me smile, I texted you. After I had my phone blown up and disrespected on an entirely differeny level ((I guess there are still some things you have no clue about me)) I was through with it all. I came crashing. ((Not to mention creeping on facebook and realizing everything I should have noticed already. The pictures and living together, its was like a knife to the back but the knife and all its intentions were of my own fabrication.)) Ive never had to deal with that before. Well, once almost with one of Matts insecure girlfriends who needed reassurance from me instead of hearing it from his lips, which I told that girl the same thing I told Her "Ask him, hes not going to lie to you". Above everything I wouldnt break bro code but by no means am I going to lie for anyone else or tell truths that are their job to reveal. I understand that girls have intuition, and Im sure hers is ringing constantly but if you too are going to be able to be together I feel like she should be able to look in your eyes and find some truth to calm herself down and not need information from a stranger miles away. But regardless. Of all people Brad was the one who put the phone in my hand and said "fix this with him or you'll regret it" so I began trying to mend. He told me that he was shocked and never thought that you and I would treat eachother like this and that I needed to not hold you accountable for the things that a girl does even if I expected more out of you. And I dont. Im sorry I let myself feel more than I should instead of keeping to the routine. Him and I are fine. Maybe even better but nothing comparable, but you know that. I want everything to be okay for you too. And I'm working on not feeling thrown away. It's not all about me. I had to tell you the story as I saw it but I dont want this to be in our history. We reached a new level, it was a difficult adjustment but all is well. We have our seperate lives. I am fine as long as I dont loose what weve created, and what is ours and for us is left alone by all others. Ill show the same respect. |
